Getting to First Base

Wonderlic* needs to include questions on alcohol+cars

When pro football hopefuls gather at the annual NFL combine, one of the things they all do is take the infamous Wonderlic* test (yes, the asterisk is part of the company’s name. Annoying, isn’t it?) to measure their general intelligence and to give bloggers something to mock when the results come out.

In seemingly unrelated news, according to Yahoo!’s Josh Peter, an astounding 73 players who were on an NFL roster in 2008 have been arrested on charges of driving under the influence. My solution: the Wonderlic* needs to have some questions on that.

I have some suggestions, based on this set of practice questions from the Wonderlic* website.

1. On a team outing to a bar, there are three times as many wide receivers as there are linemen. During a team drinking game, the wide receivers average 18 drinks each, and the team as a whole averages 17 drinks per person. How many drinks did the lineman down, on average? And how many cabs do they need to call?

2. Randolph has 8 plain shot glasses, 6 shot glasses with lights in the bottom, and 4 novelty shot glasses that he nabbed at a bachelor party. How many different drinks can he have before he has to wash all his shot glasses, and where should he hide his keys so he doesn’t drive anywhere tonight?

3. John is a mechanic who parties with NFL players. He makes $8.50 an hour, plus $3 extra for every oil change he performs. Last week he worked 36 hours and performed 17 oil changes. How much money did he make? Is it enough for cab fare after a night at the bars?

See? That way, if some young draft prospect scores a 6 on the Wonderlic*, teams who had been interested in him will be able to prepare for his inevitable DUI shenanigans because they KNOW the guy is dumb enough to get into that situation.